I cant tell you what it is that I am feeling

Ive denied it for so long now that I dont want to know what it is anymore

Im not gonna leave but I dont know if I can stay

I get down on myself for no real reason

I cant understand why but this is the reason why I left tonight

I didnt have a place

where will we be, what are we doing

from here and now until then and there

such little time it seems were creating a lie

so I will lay thee down to sleep

tuck up and pull in the sheets

but know that I cant commit

no more than I would want to ask you to do

I would say that we have such a short time together

and in this we should make the greatest out of what we are given

but im burning up

I cant tell you what it really is, I can only try to tell you what it feels like

I see you and inside I smile

keep a straight face on the outside

keep this a secret from everyone who already knows

I can get so caught up in my own thoughts that I push things forward so quickly

I am learning to step back now

let be what can be and not force you into me

with this thought I hope to grow

to be more likely to never feel sorrow

...

lies to self

unfortunate feelings

sated emotion

gorgeous lady

hidden

I keep me out of sight

prevent the end

bring into the light

I try to not care so much

to keep at bay my habits

I fall so quickly so often

I need to step back

pinch my arm

this isnt really a dream

my real life

a piece of a tree floating freely down river

following the ebb and flow of tide and eddy

taking the path of least resistance

but I always find the deadly features

a recirculation

over and over, loosing my breath

cant keep my head above water

pulled down to the green room

an undercut keeps me pinned

praying for a safety line

but it takes too long

what it feels like to drown

watch me burn

ashes floating

skyward

heat pushing high

coming to rest where the wind blows best

a campfire shining in the night

hold you warmth, create a comfort

I could hold you in my arms

sincerely

if you will allow

her story

I have stories

still being written

day by day

offers page to page

though more often not so inclusive

certain events offer more than others

no doubt

the problem of the matter is which tend to receive more press

I hope that whats written will later help live

to live and to learn

first I must read

looking back oft for the sake of looking

stories were written for my eyes only

I want to write about the good for now

I wish to learn for that too

I met a girl, a long year ago

at a place I adored from day one

I couldn't understand what to do just then

I lived and I learned

a group of amazing people

with ties leading back to shared childhoods

inviting me in with no abandon

quickly we all became friends

I tried to keep feeling like friends to them all

but that was more hard than I thought

for twelve days we tripped

down lakes and down rivers

with 14 in tow, youth trying to grow

the wilderness took over

and nature took hold

I had to keep from being too bold

and at the last night

I sat all alone

pictures of memories

not soon forgotten

and then she came and sat with me

said something stupid

we kissed

glory

red hot faces tempting tongues

then back to the dance

although soon to sleep

and for two weeks we met

saw your friends and mine

until school started up

few hundred miles as the crow would fly

touch was kept, feelings were tucked away

these had no place, so foreign at times

the next time I saw you I had to be calm

a hug was all I could offer

and for weeks I did not know what to do

I had to

I did

and now to hold her tight in my arms

listen to her breathing as we fall into dreams

I don't know whats better

secret are kisses, to keep from display

hidden hallways and shacks, behind walls kept away

how much I like her is hard to measure

so much affecting, than just simple feelings

this beautiful place, coupled with her sweet and amazing grace

what I do know, it's been more than a pleasure

She is my privilege

And that I'll remember

A Soul to Teach

how to say what you ever want to say

dont make up words and place them in sentences

act those sentences out in situations created in your head

gone over and over

like an actor practicing lines in front of the bathroom mirror

but never entering the stage

you can only make it so far by staying behind the curtains

so do as you wish

or wish you could do

its really up to you

make whatever it is you want come true

there is no need to be lonely anymore

read that those who live to love more often give than receive

and this more often causes pain

but its not really to your heart

but into loves pure vanity

you can love so much and question why love is not yours in return

but you know the answer for the sake of the asking

the answer is to keep your heart bound

Ive let mine wander around

its foolish it seems

bodies offer language which is the hardest to read

you speak of different languages, regional dialects, class distinctions

these have the ability to fall into place

be translated and understood

bodies speak the minds truth

a landscape which is far more unique than any other found on earth

a beauty hidden deep in the lines of a face, the edge of a smile

the crease in the forehead giving away a hidden frown

more subtle though, the shift of a knee, the flick of a lash

pull on an ear and play with your hair

these are specific to more than just an area of the earth

to each individual and separate method

I dont know how to search anymore

I dont know if I want to

one thing is said and another is meant

you should have known

why dont you know

so stop

teach my soul

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The night began on a log cabin porch

Sun drifting lazily under the tree line

The sounds of oven birds and loons to complement the mood

With you by my side it could not have been better

We sat and we watched

With cold beers in hand

Talked travel and good times

And of that which would come

And as the day waned away

The colours came out to play

A lake shimmers purple

Under our northern sunsets glow

We drank and we laughed

Asked beer for life and scratched

You had to etch

Damn corona

And as the day turned to night

With the stars came more friends

More beers

More laughs

This is truly the place to be

To watch you smile is really a gift

But then kicked the beers and a desire to drift

Lets go swimming

And down to the lake we went

Dancing and falling along the path

We reached the beach

Do you want to have fun?

Of course.

So we stripped from our clothes

Left dry on the shore

Ran to the edge and jumped into the black

Chilly, but warm

This was a good idea

Swimming around you and floating together

Shared kisses and smiles while staying above

Its cold now

Out we must run

Share bodies, share heat

We walked to the top, stumbling here and there

A warm shower it seemed would be so nice a treat

The wash house was deemed, a solid retreat

Gain warmth

Your eyes and your smiles belie your main grief

So let me away you to the comfort of home

Your bed and your sheets offer more than just sleep

We can talk until day breaks

And whisper or kiss

Are you awake?

Yes.

Do you want to have fun?

To hug and to hold, is to keep from the cold

For this I am here

I will not turn away

The strange feeling in the morning

As though I knew I must pretend

This is not your desire

And from here you repent

I will shade what I feel

For hopes I can steal

That one morning kiss

Before I dismiss

I should go.

what do you think

So I've got a little problem

sitting sick in bed

wishing it was yours

or mine with you would be fine

I never new that I never had a clue there

are you capable

am I

I lost all your world a long time ago

and when she said

what are we, because its not that

I am so glad you phoned me

it was just what I needed

but then she said sorry

I did not believe her

and the pinch then woke me

no phone near

are you capable

can we all get this high

can this burn all night

can I

....

first to a song

second from anon

yet another

coincidence

its about a girl

paused though, unwanted for the moment

this piece needs some semblance that has no influence

music creates new pathways for thoughts to travel

this I feel needs a more acapella feel

so sounds but those which travel freely

Ive come to my own understanding that it is myself I still understand the least

Ive spent hours training to know many things

become slow to be smooth because smooth is so fast

I can save and prevent, foresee and assess

yet all of this pertains to a less personal means

I have paths wished to follow

and barriers Ive created

loves I founded, and sadly left behind

I wish to be more free

of debt, and of woe

so to this I make plans of where I shall go

two years have passed since I left my first home

the places Ive been have shaped my outlook

the people Ive met have shaped how Ive grown

...looking for lost words has shown my digression

I hold back with my heart

that is all really

I wish to be free from my own sense of fear

to love freely and embrace each pain

these help shape and prove that were human

indeed everyone must know this

for us who romanticize

are destined to hide love behind lies

I will curtail my passions

to watch just one more movie

and know that you will still sit by my side

I can share my arms with you

and will continue to do so

you claim to have bears...

I claim to fight them.

from nothing to something, I will be there

So sit and wonder

Go away simply to return

if nothing strive to learn all ways

do what you know in ways you do not

reach for the surface as though your trapped beneath

these words may mean something

to you, they are from me

I follow patterns with proses

offer odes to something or nothing all at once

I oft not know what it is that I write of

and in this sense I yearn to be taught

He who knows, but knows not that he knows, you must teach him

words from Bruce Lee

understand that words when spoken have more power than fists

or a kiss

yet most actions speak of greater things than words

being told to act as you are, is a way of saying

lie about who you are, because you cannot act this part

better said to be who you are

I was told

to be me

I know people claim to like this person

I do at times as well, often though less than I ought to

I dream of canoes and maneuvers

of a paddle adorned with a loon

of a teacher who taught more than just lessons

and of the people I love in my life

it is likely that I have dreamt of you

maybe once

I dream this things through restless nights

alone under sheets holding a pillow in lieu

I often think back, to an opinion I trust

an opinion of a person was so often correct

I relate myself to those words so often

hopeless and romantic

and unfortunate duo

I love to love so much that I am truly scared to do so

I will hold you so tight, and keep you warm in my embrace

share kisses and hugs and beds

but my heart is mine for the taking

and this is something I fear

I choose to not be stolen

and for this I suffer at length

.....

words make me who I am

but these words mean so very little

I find myself writing what I know best

and this is what I wish to change

this spring I choose to be new

like the trees and the plants of the earth around me

from a dormant-like death

to new life in a leaf

renew who you are, but always be you

a challenge presented, and one to upkeep

I can honestly say this

I love you

whoever you are

and I will hold you and hug you

keep you warm in the night

share stories and sheets

and respect what we share

I am not in search of Lovers

nor household, nor rings, nor leashes

I move freely through life with all that I've learned

and if you wish to share, I am glad to be there

Ode to Green River

in fifteen minutes

where will you be in this city

I will wait for your call

a little bit in need of a drink

I think

until then, out of tune music is my friend

river destination has shown a new and unknown world

desolate and grey

sand washed white water

turned a light shade of brown

the ebb and flow of mountain waters

eroding flesh in corrupted waters

land managers selling souls to oil men

but beauty like never before

canyon walls reaching higher than sight can perceive

a hike to beat you heart, rock holds stand loosely

a cactus to keep you aware

but not to hold

ask Alan

and a view from the top

magnificent

canyons and desert stretching as far as the eye can see

under a sun beating down

half filled canoes crashing standing waves

bow first into holes where afts smash down

cracked skid plate

oh well

tighten the thigh strap and do it again

this was a daily vision

sun and sand, dirt and dead animals

such loose and sparse vegetation

wild horses and a wandering coyote

free range cattle and hundreds of scale backed lizards

etchings on the canyon walls left by natives nearly 1500 years ago

lends mystery to a landscape like mars

and a wild bunch once roamed

switching horses in the canyons shelter to aid a bandits escape

and still

in all this heat within a storied world

snow rests atop the canyon mountains

giving praise to seasons end and yet flowers bloom

to this place I must return

....

In the nothing above I hope for translation

a brief glimpse without a picture

no image to aid the description

how to recreate what it is that we've done

I do not know

I will tell stories in the months to come

to many friends and paddlers alike

and in my voice I hope to give justice

to this other worldy beauty

nine friends

peers in a program like no other

planned for months to embark

the River was The Green

through Desolation Canyon

and into the Grey

two vehicles and one trailer

host to six days gear

four kayaks

two canoes

and those nine

we left with smiles on our faces

music playing the background

and hopes for the future deeply inset

so for two and half days we drove

stopping for food and snack

the occasional frisbee to keep up the tempo

we drove through our forests and into there prairies

from hills to the flats and then a slow rise

elevation felt and seen all around

rockies in the distance seemingly profound

we arrived in a small town

coke on one side and pepsi on the other

and our outfitter in the middle

River Run Transport

from here our plans soon came into reality

no longer were we imagining our packed raft

but reassessing what we brought packed

barrels into bags

food into coolers

water in jugs

and a container for our waste

we learned long ago and will continue to let grow

a desire for our trips and those to come

of our trace

we will leave none

mere footprints in sand.

with our raft far in the lead

we drove to sandwash

our put-in

this was the beginning of the beauty to come

through the desert, past oil and rigs

slowly our descent was obvious

as canyon walls rose

something we have never seen before

this was clearer now than ever

we were in for a trip we would never forget