I have become something that I have never been and I hate myself now for it. Easily put as the worst thing that I have ever done. I cant ask forgiveness because that doesnt exist. only sorry is what I can offer and that doesnt mean shit. I regret my action, wasnt even a decision. whoever that was, it wasnt me. something I hope will help me get through this, I dont yet know what, but first steps are big ones. no more forward thoughts, no more future thinking. I am stuck in the now and the absolute past. nothing but dreams left, but they are nightmares. I wont dream of her because that would do me more harm. I cant think of her because I cry every time. All I can say is that wasnt me. I want to go back and change everything. too bad. too late. too sad.