this is the time for forced understanding
pull it out, let it be
good mornings lately seem rare
music in my ear
from am to pm
constant distraction from a crippled reality
watching crows soar overhead
examing every beat of the wing
turn through the wind
all for one reason
so as to not look down.
keep your head up
way up
eyes out of sight
do not show your fears.
faded green shoes walking away
footprints to prove
ignored greeting
avoid contact
these nights in trees with howling winds
shelters built from fallen limbs
insulated with hay and down bags
asleep in freezing weather
never better.
to avioid and ignore is not a real tactic
only helps in creating a chasm
so deep and wide in will bleed out all thats inside
a rivers flow can etch a history
easily read by those who see
carving tales of highs and lows
the health and wealth of surrounding lands is so direct in comparison
within this soliliquy lies a meaning
without reading
who can really see the histories behind these eyes
the highs and the lows
the yearning
or
the burning
for desire
...
my music will play on
currently quiet
explosions in the sky

I wake up every morning thinking of you,
so when I see you in the morning
I try to not like you.
By noon I realise I've been an ass all morning
I want to apologize
but I dont.
I dont think you care.
Its hurts the most,
or perhaps confuses the most...
you told me you missed me
but never gave me a chance
ignored and then quit.
I know that the future is uncertain
time together is way to short
and distances soon to be apart are nothing short of expansive.
This to me does not mean that there is not point,
I like you, you liked me
the best we could have done was enjoy that time together
made sense
to me at least, maybe I need to learn to speak
maybe you need to be less of a "puss"
...
your word
not mine.
the only problem here
is that to truly enjoy our time together
for me
that means not just you
but us.

so broken we may lay here
thinking of very little
nothing short of a preordained sense of disdain
yet , the drum rolls on
a life like beat
movement always
never slows
moving forward until it is sure that it shows,
showing is a trick. magic of the mind.
to perceive one must agree to decline,
in sense of not mental capacity, but imaginary opacity
free the limits,
let all come in
do not famish your mind with a life like a line,
straight forward.
no change.
this is not right, but left is no answer
a simile it seems is not so serene,
taken out of place
out of mind, out of body
taken to a place
use your mind and feel your body,
but not where they are
floating further, deeper into serenity
a place where theory
is a simple relativity.
yet to find reason, purpose in dreaming?
dream to relieve all that you perceive to be wrong and unwise, realise the lies, and dream of the good, the great and the grand.
let this stand.
I live for Love, or love. whatever you call it.
I live for the moment to love in this moment.
Take what is with you, use your short times, love is an opportunity not often given, enjoy while it exists.
What will be, will eventually be.
until then life is a lesson in love,
to learn what is your love,
then love what you've learned.
...
Listen to believe in change,
Observe to see its mark,
Vary your hearts perception,
Enjoy what you have found.

and words they spoke to ease my mind
words of filled with lies
I have to take the long road around to ever get an answer
answers hidden from view
I loved you so very much
cared for you and tried so hard
never returned it would seem
I mean
fuck it I guess
sweep me under your carpet
if thats all I mean to you, then fuck it were so clearly through
It would have been nice though
to end with nice words
say hey, we tried, wrong place, wrong time
but fuck it.

The worth of caring is getting smaller in my heart
to care means to bare means to expose means to hurt
fuck it, I cant stop caring, its who I am
always will be
....
I sadly know that this is written with a fuel too fast
the fire of deceit still burning hot
turn your back, ignore it, its fine
these things always go away in time
Way too much has gone into this, Im done
Your amazing, your beautiful, your full of so much
your thought of your smile still makes me do the same
but now under a carpet, hidding with my shame
fuck the carpet, fuck the dark, fuck me
I have got to get out
I need someone or something
I really do
why not you
what changes you so quickly...
day to day its a different story
why not actually hang out and tell me about it
talk to me
keep me informed, instead of sitting here feeling like my soul is unnaturally deformed

This has been another chapter in:
What The Fuck

Women

AUUUGGHH! Women! Yes you!

I turn to the page in hope of discovering answers. As thoughts are formed and words spill out I hope somewhere in what is written will be truth without any ulterior. Struggling for structure, grammer my foe. I can't grasp love so easily forgotten, the only truth can be that I was spoken lies. So should I be surprised...So no more running, no more chase, it was never a game and I have been left in the dirt to contemplate my shame. I still don't know who I am, or how it happened that the devil I became. I will never find closure, I don't think it is what I seek. Of what I don't know...I seek answers from a mind filled with questions and that is no easy task. It is times like these that I truly hate myself, my mind, my emotion, my being...I force upon a weakness, a burden to carry. It is not fair to me or any else. I seek relief in the bottom of a bottle. Put on a smile, grin. No fake face, I wont put on a mask. self. who are you? what is it you want...give me a bottle, fill up the cup. I will deal with sorrow tomorrow.

sad songs offer the sweet relief
music for writing away woe and grief
over and over again
playing out the end
broken hearted
I play the fool
ignore the pain until it goes away
sight being seen
green and grey
forced to relive against my will
beauty never loved the beast
simply tricked with magic into a false belief
I am empty.
fallin down, apart, into pieces
...
my recent experiences in life and love have taught me something I didnt want to learn. I am not worth what I thought. multiple failed attempts to create relations, only fuel my desire to aim higher. Yet, I must not be worthy. I invest too much perhaps, offer to little...I need a slap in the face, a telling straight up, put into place. I have found that I am a breaker, everything, I touch, I own, I see, I am with. People, places, everything it would seem. A wonder how I am still welcome. Succinct are words to describe my depression, never ending. Its beginning is so far gone it is beyond out of site, years of self loathe have created this persona. I am not a weak person, I think my mind to be strong. what is weak is my heart in matters involving hearts. I yearn for love, my one true desire. I look around and see it so often. I will play the fool in every walk of life. Close my eyes and walk out blind, move with hope and feeling. I am learning listening is simply the ability to let someone elses words or ideas change you and yours. I am starved, fed with a string that was far too long. Truth...an opinion

working progress

A mind in a sublime ease
time move back please
but just for a second
I need to catch my breath
less I catch my death.

one step

At long last the words came out
a posting of emotion
or lack there of
torn
worn out
time to take now
new things to learn
like how to not stare at simply a name
written on paper or pixels
and not dream of a face
or a place
I remember laying under stars
a hand in a hand
watching the beauty above
catching thrown hugs
and midnight kisses lasting way too long
these are past, beautiful relics of amazing days.
How could I have been so stupid
this will burn on forever
but embers I can keep
wrapped up and covered
hidden
out of view
...
forward seems a good direction
looking back has to end
for this is a fight I cannot win
...
words are slow
my mind I think blown
but this I have known,
could be the reality for far too long,
dismissed was the thought
I didnt like what it brought,
shame and hope cant walk together
ditch one and preserve the latter,
hope for tomorrow
hope for better days
for now to remember will prolong the sorrow
force the mind to cease the midnight plays
dont dreamers ever dream of love
but only that and no other

I see what I dream, not always up to me

brown eyed girl of my dreams
please reconsider me

Affected so much by so few words
All I need to hear is hello and I am smiling again
yet actions do much more
it is all so meaningful
all so intentional
every move
every method
all pre-designed
by an intuitive mind.
Spoken words need to take the place
of drunken words and motions
false are inebriated actions
some my call it pure truth
but I think it's pure sleuth
by this I mean what can be true when influenced by extravagance...
these are nothing short of false elegance
speak with no borders, no boundaries, no common sense
words get slurred and spilt together
loosing truth with every so called truth
your mind will slip and slide through all of this
catching glimpses of whats been heard
but maybe never hearing
morning after is like building a puzzle
moments sewed together haphazardly
an opinion formed by a fuzzy point of view.
No, this does not work.
it may provide an oil for tongues
to smoothly slip whats going on inside
though like a ladder lacking rungs
it is just a frame on which you can't rely...
...
So back to the point,
of words and actions.
consider the possibilities
many woven all together
words meet actions
in an intricate dance
bodies move and lungs exhale
a chorded chorus called language.
language is more than just an oral exhalation
it encompasses all of your actions
and anything that can be read.
I like to read more than just actions
looking beyond whats displayed with a motion
...
problems here in-lie
comprehension of different dialects
learn to read what you see with ease
but never forget that the blind can see too.
see what you feel
know that feelings shared
cannot always be compared
realise
you dont need eyes...
they help though
actions and words dance a similar dance
when out of step
a personal lie,
eyes and ears are judges with bias
relax
life is a lesson to learn
so chill in class, its always in session
master your self
write, paint, draw, create
challange your mind with external learning
dancing is an acquired skill

looking back, often done
A need to see and perceive the past
relate to the present
plan for the future.
How far back too look isn't easy
deciding a moment that was considered with definition.
define me, define you, define us
often thoughts overtake a mind
more often than not it would seem
sweet memories couple haunted visions
desire for reason, or better yet
move back to square one
only to easy to call that impossible
funny. always the same thoughts provide words.
a brush can stroke the canvas
mark left in permanence
with paint of deeper shade though
permanent means much less
like morning makeup on diva's cheeks
deeper shades stroke over lighter mistakes
a canvas thick now, with layer on layer
rethink, relate.
this means little if held in it's context
simply observing a painters melodrama
take it out and reconsider
no canvas belongs in a box...per say
a stroke of a brush seems so simple a fix
but consider the possiblities
what brush will be used
and what paint will select... itself, maybe
let art become art with art as its guide?
this seems like a painters lie
out of context, but read the subtext
a meaning is never too far
relax...not quite
...
hopeless is this romantic in a world lost of romance
hearts are my leaning post, too easily broken
words being intentionally left unspoken
.force an end.

write
...
rewrite
reword
review
restart
reconsider
reword
rewrite
review
...
relax
relapse
review
render
relive
rewrite
relish
reward
post
...
write

tongue tied
fingers closing tight
words dont seem to exist
whenever the timing is right
surely, I can in my mind play out an entire conversation
proper words spilled out for every word in return
but the cat has come and gone
in the process taken my song
I do not sing so many can hear
I believe to listen you need the right kind of ear
I dont sing sweet melodies, or rap or jazz or blues
I sing a song of...
it matters most to me
it is more deeply set than the marrow in my bones
ramble ramble spit and gamble
I dont gamble with stakes so high
the odds are blinded, and so am I
my one true conviction is my worst affliction
I bring pain upon me when love is what I dole
out
I bleed direct from the heart like the water pours straight out of a spout
replenishing to some but vital to all
heart beats
one is healthy
two is lovely
hearts beating in tandem
rhythmic love making
sweet sounds
the melodies of...
do you hear them?
I hear what I choose to hear
often incorrect
walking down the dim lit path hoping for a hand to share
hope, no hope, love, no love...
pessimistic optimism is truly hard to fathom
painfully smile at a bleeding heart
...
this is me
tear me apart
I will sew me back together
but me is never the same
me is not your game
me is I
and I am stitched
so now
I dream hazy dreams
they all share similar characters
those who mean too much
past and present
ghosts in place
forced to remember
never to forget
Love

Truly an explanation please...
Brain what is it that you are up to?
from two feet and a heart beat to clog rational thought
something from nothing is a hopeless dream
do something, get nothing
more realistic it would seem
for some reason, to me...
miss and want are seperate while holding hands
which is more prevelant, which has better grip
I am but a fool.

And woe is mine,
staring in stop-motion,
hoping for a brief connection.
I lack a basic understanding of how to show my thoughts.
Words on paper seem to seep out of my mind with no abatement to space and time.
no meaning, just bleeding ink from a pen called atlantis.
I've seemingly lost some abilities,
one to be me, and two to see you.
Like a child learning to walk, attempting to talk.
It's funny to witness a hand slip away, though digitial flirting has no bend,
words cast around on airwaves with less care,
than given to mental stability.
So now what do I do and how to go about it,
with love comes the risk of not being loved,
but without risk your not living...
I always wonder is it worth it to risk it?
A constant in my mind,
too much discretion just fuels my obsession. LO
Beautiful brunette with brown eyes framed,
How is it so easy to have you on my mind.
Stupid really, like the state of my heart, slow steps.

...

tongue tied, words stumble before there spoken
broken ability to communicate
scared of whats true, and whats white like lies
lack of trust from mistrusting lives
black and white
if only it were so easy

I read most words carefully
most things I write I try to word in a way that sounds good to me
which isn't always easy
the pressure is great
sometimes
I find the chances here and there to let true emotion flow
from pen to paper, key to screen
and words get lost in the writing
the pressure is great
simple really, perfection
perfection like most things
is a point of opinion
but that, of only one

great.


So move away and forget it all
nothing around to remind but passions left on dusty trails


I read these words so carefully...
"Like all art...you have to look back to see just how far along you've come and see just how much you have grown."

time and time again
trying to read from other angles
and time and time again I end up with the some conclusion
it's that of a question really.
How far along do you need to go before you are able to look back and see how far you've come?
this is a troubling question, many connections and directions engrained
where to go with this....it seems to me like this is good fuel to any frustrated students fire
adage: aim for the moon and you may get lost in space, reach for the stars and you will at least end up on the moon.

by this account it would seem to mean that if you strive for to much greatness you will lose sight of where you came from...


...


A flawless thought process would be a dream.