music calms the beast

so much writing here. All to be taken lightly. I write so often when inspiration hits me. speaking in the moment, thoughts without recollection, reflection, or rereading. posted so the latter can be done. later. down the road. I was told writing can help you grow. look back, see how much youve changed. how far you've come. lately I seem to not be moving far, I am stuck in a past I desire so much. I fear for the reader who reads in too much...or at all really. a look back has showed me I am messed up. mentally incapacitated. handicapped in my intellectual self. my mind refuses to work for any another reason, yet provides no actions. writing in disbelief as I continually seek and fail to find the desired relief. no real words have been spoken. all left to words which lack emotion when so much emotion is being spoken. still, crushing pain, this cannot be sustained, soon it will pass, one way or the other, for the better or worse. such is life. one action can so greatly define such a huge portion of your time. your life. your being. your existence. only hope is for understanding after the change. continue to grow. look further back than ever before. grasp where you are. know where you have come from. who were you is the only way to determine "who are you." some roads often traveled leave definite and lasting marks, seen by all who follow the trail. see the evidence of a beaten down trodden path. see who I am. see in my heart, for the moment at least. this is who I am. beaten, broken, belied. for now. I do not like this me. so I must continue on. now sitting in a friendships basement. bass lines and drum beats off beat. provide me with the music to help soothe this beast in my mind, lay it to rest. for me. it has taken too much, cared to little, and left to harshe a mark. I want to just forget.